When a cold emailer gets "chaosed," they're dealing with Chris and his impossible colleagues.
Each character has a specialty designed to multiply the salesperson's workload. None of these people exist.
Chris
CEO — your main point of contact
Friendly, enthusiastic, slightly disorganized. Always "just about to go into a meeting." Genuinely seems to want to buy whatever you're selling — if only his colleagues would stop making things complicated. The first reply always comes from Chris, and he's breathlessly excited about your product.
Yasmina
CFO — Chris's partner-in-crime
Sharp, polished, always the best-dressed person in the room. Knows every number by heart. She and Chris have high complicity — they tag-team sales reps with perfectly misaligned demands. When Yasmina enters a thread, the salesperson's workload doubles.
Running gag: "Yasmina had a look at your pricing and she has 'a few questions.' Her few questions are never few."
Mathilde Van den Berg
Head of Operations
Very particular about compliance. Needs a GDPR compliance matrix, sub-processor list mapped to EU regions, and an environmental sustainability questionnaire she just added last week.
Running gag: Gets promoted mid-thread, expands scope to every department, demands everything be redone
Thomas Delcourt
Financial Controller (reports to Yasmina)
Obsessed with cost breakdowns. Wants a 3-year TCO model with migration costs, training costs, and opportunity cost analysis. His spreadsheet templates have spreadsheet templates.
Running gag: "Thomas wants a version with 3 pricing tiers: base, standard, and enterprise. Also a fourth one he calls 'aspirational.'"
Dr. Ingrid Fassbender
Chief Science Officer
Asks impossible technical questions. Wants to know your product's carbon footprint per API call (in grams), your post-quantum encryption roadmap, and whether it works at altitude.
Running gag: Goes on sabbatical, replacement disagrees with everything, she comes back and overrules the replacement
Jean-Philippe "JP"
Procurement Lead
Loves vendor onboarding questionnaires. His forms keep getting longer — 14 pages becomes 28, each submission spawns a follow-up. ISO 27001, SOC 2, and a sustainability audit are just the beginning.
Running gag: Merges with another department, gets promoted to CPO, restarts the entire vendor evaluation from scratch
Paranoid about everything. Wants penetration test results for any tool that touches the network. Has questions about your server's stress tolerance at altitude, your antimicrobial keyboard policy, and your disaster recovery plan for simultaneous failures across three continents.
Running gag: "Wouter flagged a concern — he wants to schedule a separate security review call"
Nathalie
Executive Assistant
Impossible to reach. Schedules everything — but the only available slots are 7am CET on Tuesdays or "sometime next month." She'll "send the template" but it never arrives on time.
Running gag: "Nathalie will send it over" — she doesn't, for days
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